


thanks for the memories

by writethedust



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, sad ending sorry folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-29 00:55:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15061538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writethedust/pseuds/writethedust
Summary: Doyoung asked for a date.But they are not lovers.And probably not in future either.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and so I have a little idea and made this.  
> warning! it's not a happy ending.

One fine day, Jaehyun was at the wood table by the park with a few of his close friends. They were eating and doing their own assignments although they mostly were chatting about random shits. Jaehyun didn’t mind though, it how life is. It’s fun. A tap on his shoulder, Jaehyun looked behind him. He blinked his eyes in confusion. A stranger - well not really, because he did know the person - was standing right behind him, showing his gummy smile. “Y-yes?” he asked, startled. 

“Sorry to interrupt you, but I want to ask you something.” 

Jaehyun turned looked at his friends who also showed the same amount of confusion and a little curiosity. Johnny who was sitting the opposite of him gestured for him to just accepted the stranger's offer. It was as if he had no choice, he turned around and looked at the stranger back and said, “Sure, what is it?”

The stranger smiled. “My name is Kim Doyoung and I’m asking you for a date this Saturday. Would you accept it?”

Jaehyun’s mind turned blank for a minute and when he processed what Doyoung was saying, he blurted out. “Huh?” he was shocked and obviously confused. However, he can hear the small giggles his friends made behind him. He cursed them in his mind, knowing that his friends probably made fun of him.

Doyoung was still smiling. “I know this is sudden but I just asking for one date. That’s all. Can I?” he asked again, politely.

Ten who was sitting beside him nudged his arm. Jaehyun shot a look at the other. Honestly, he didn’t know what to do but he also didn’t want Doyoung to be left hanging. He turned back at Doyoung and nodded his head. “S-sure.” he accepted it. It's not like he can reject it. The offer was too sweet to be rejected.

Doyoung smiled widely to show his happiness. “Thank you,” he said and immediately grabbed Jaehyun’s hands making the other to blush with the sudden contact. Doyoung, however, was a little obvious to all of it. He then asked, “Can I ask your number?” he then let go of Jaehyun’s hands and quickly took out his phone. “So we can text each other,” he explained.

Jaehyun’s heart suddenly beat a little faster. He felt sudden nervous and he was so sure his ears already red. The butterflies feeling he felt was making it worse. He then also took out his phone and exchanged the phone number with Doyoung. 

Finished it, Doyoung then put back his phone in his bag and flashed a smile toward Jaehyun. “I’ll text you later. Thanks again, Jaehyun,” he showed his gummy smile this time. “See you later,” he said, waved and walked away.

Jaehyun nodded his head and waved back like a machine that was operated to give such a reaction. As he watched Doyoung disappeared from his eyes, he can feel the stares he got from his friends. When Doyoung finally was gone, his friends suddenly shouted and screaming. He let out a sigh and turned around to face his friends. “Guys,” he said, raised his eyebrow. 

“Jaehyun got a date!” Johnny exclaimed.

“Your ears are red,” Taeyong stated the matter of fact, chuckled.

“Interesting.” Ten smirked. 

Jaehyun stared at his phone. The contact number was there on his phone. “I still can’t believe this is happening,” he mumbled, but loud enough for his friends to know.

“Me either. I didn’t know Doyoung is that kind of person,” Taeyong said. “But he is a straightforward guy,” he added. They were classmate for a subject before, so he roughly knew Doyoung. 

“Don’t you think this is like a bet?” Jaehyun then asked. He still can’t believe it. It was like a dream. Maybe it was?

Johnny nodded his head, agreed. “It does but I don’t think Doyoung is that kind of person though,” he said. “I don’t know him personally but I really don’t think that’s the case.”

“So what if its a bet.” Ten then said, making everyone looked at him. Seemed like he was giving such a ridiculous response. “Don’t you have a crush on his during freshmen? Just enjoy the date,” he said making Jaehyun blushed. 

“Oh, you do?” Taeyong said, raised his eyebrow indicated that he didn’t know the fact. 

Jaehyun shook his head. “It just a crush. I already forgot about it,” he said, tried to deny his sad past.

Ten then, in a teasing manner, said, “Eh, I don’t think so.” He then showed Jaehyun’s ear which was clearly bright red. Jaehyun was lying.

Jaehyun quickly covered his ears. 

Johnny laughed, “You know you can’t lie, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun just groaned while the rest laughing madly. However, he did feel happy inside. Maybe he should just enjoy the date.


	2. the date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and so, Jaehyun went for a date with Doyoung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, do enjoy.  
> Just saying, I'm bad at writing fluffs.

It was Saturday. The day had arrived. It was the d-day. The date. Jaehyun had received a message from Doyoung last Thursday at night - he had been secretly waiting for the whole day actually. He can’t help but felt anxious. What if it was a lie? He didn't want to be let down. It wasn't nice.

Ten was right, Jaehyun had been secretly having a crush on Doyoung ever since freshmen. Doyoung was the 1st-year student during that time, in a different course but in the same faculty. Usually, it was hard to know each other or even seeing each other. However, it wasn’t for that one MT he had to attend, he met Doyoung there. It was a welcoming MT for the freshmen and a very lousy one because freshmen had to do lots of ridiculous stuff for the _enjoyment_ of seniors. 

Jaehyun was busy trying to run away from the hype of games that he had lost count - just so many rounds of games. It was one a.m. and everyone was basically wasted. He watched in disgust as Ten was _clearly_ wasted. Poor guy but he just wanted to escape. Carefully, Jaehyun made his way out of the room, to breathe fresh air or something. Jaehyun sat at on bench he had found at the yard of the pension and sighed. His head was a little throbbing but he still can manage it. As his hand made its way to his throat, he can feel that he was suddenly felt thirsty. _Water would be nice_. he thought sadly.

“Hey, are you okay?”

A tap on his shoulder, Jaehyun turned around. “Y-yeah.” he was startled but answered. 

“Here, a glass of water. I think you need it.”

Jaehyun took the glass politely. His mind then wondered as he drank. _Who is this? Senior? Junior? Same age?_ The water that he drank however really save him. It felt refreshing. He really needed it. “T-thank you,” he thanked. 

The guy smiled, brightly and kind. “Oh, I’m 1st year of Computer Architecture.”

Jaehyun then stood up because he thinks it a bit impolite of him to just continue on sitting. But the guy gestured him to sat down, Jaehyun was confused but he ended up sat down back anyway. _He so kind_. “I’m freshmen of Virtual Reality Design.” he suddenly remembered to introduce himself. “My nam-” Before Jaehyun could tell his name, someone was calling for the guy. The guy then quickly bid his goodbye and Jaehyun was sad because he wanted to talk more. 

“Oh, I think I should say this. Sunbae can be rough for most of the times but don’t worry, they are all nice.” the guy chuckled said for the last time and then walked away, disappeared from Jaehyun’s sight. 

A fast-forward story, Jaehyun just developed a little crush on the guy and he comes to know the name - Kim Doyoung - one of the kindest person in their faculty, Jaehyun however never had the courage to try to talk to Doyoung and eventually it remained as a crush and a memory. It was not until the said person suddenly asked him for a date. Oh boy, his old feeling suddenly built up and he was giggling in excitement. 

...

Jaehyun ran toward the place they had decided to meet before. When he saw Doyoung was already waiting for him, he quickly fastens his pace. 

Doyoung chuckled as he watched Jaehyun running toward him. As he watched Jaehyun who already stood in front of him, trying to catch his breath, he gave a smile and greeted, “Good morning, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun flashed a smile first. He then took a deep breath and when he finally calmed down, he returned the greeting. “G-good morning, Doyoung hyung,” he then looked at his watch, to know the time currently. “I’m sorry I made you wait,” he apologized.

Doyoung quickly shook his head. “No, I also just arrived.”

Jaehyun looked up and gave a look. “Are you sure you aren’t lying?” he asked because, in dramas, it usually did. 

Doyoung laughed - didn’t expect the kind of question. “I’m being honest,” he said. He really did.

“Okay then,” Jaehyun shrugged and gave up - not wanting to argue more. His eyes then suddenly were busy looking at the older. _Oh wow, he looks good and pretty_. Doyoung was looking good as he was wearing a light blue cardigan and possibly a purple t-shirt with black jeans. The typical good student look but Doyoung killed it. It suited him so well. “Should we go buy popcorns?” he then asked.

Doyoung nodded his head in agreement. “I like caramel flavour,” he said, telling what he wanted to eat.

“I like it too,” Jaehyun commented as they both walked toward the food counter. Both of them agreed on watching a movie that Doyoung been wanting to watch and it seemed like Doyoung already bought the ticket online. He didn’t mind though. He liked watching a movie too and he was glad that he hasn’t seen the movie yet. 

They ordered a caramel flavour popcorn that Doyoung likes and two cups of cola. Jaehyun quickly paid for the foods before Doyoung can pay it. Doyoung was arguing that he should pay for it too since he was the one that asked Jaehyun out but Jaehyun shut it up by saying that they should be fair since Doyoung already paid for the movie tickets. 

Doyoung pouted as he still felt disagree but accept it anyway. Jaehyun was stubborn. When their food and drinks had ready, Jaehyun took the drinks while Doyoung grabbed the popcorns. They made their way to the entrance as the movie will be started in 15 minutes apparently. Finally settled in their seat, sitting right next to each other, reality hit Jaehyun to the fineness and he suddenly becomes nervous. The popcorn was placed in between them and Jaehyun hardly focus on his surrounding - noted the movie hasn’t started yet and there were people starting to come in. 

“Jaehyun,”

Jaehyun snapped from his nervous thoughts and focused on the older. “Y-yes?” he watched as Doyoung showed his gummy smile. He unconsioulsy smiled. 

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for what?”

“Go out with me, I really appreciate it,” Doyoung said, smiling. He was really happy. “I thought you wouldn’t agree to my silly request,” he added. “I mean, we don’t really know each other.”

“I do know you,” Jaehyun replied making Doyoung blinked in confusion. “I know you ever since the MT when I was freshmen.” his mouth _kindly_ spilled it. “We kinda talk.” he awkwardly said. _Though I’m not sure if you remember me_. 

Doyoung clapped his hands in excitement. “You still remember?” his voice sounded clearly excited and happy. 

And this time it was Jaehyun’s turn to be confused. He didn’t expect the kind of reaction. “Y-yeah I did?”

Doyoung sighed in relieved. “It been a year since then, I thought you wouldn’t remember me.” he grinned. “I always wanted to be friends with you but I didn’t manage it.” 

Oh boy, Jaehyun was so happy when he listened to what Doyoung was saying. But he couldn't help to feel regret hearing that. If only he man up himself to talk to the older early, would they now be different? The possibility was high, right? He giggled in return, “I want to be friends with hyung too. This is great, we can hang out more in the future.”

The light suddenly darken and blackout as the movie was starting to play. Jaehyun couldn’t really see Doyoung’s expression when Doyoung said, “Yeah, in future.” Jaehyun, however, thought that Doyoung’s voice sounded a little weird. As if there was a hint of sadness but he could be wrong. He then completely forgot about it and focused on the movie immediately. 

Movie - Along with the God - ended and there was nothing really happened during the movie because both of them focused too much on the movie. The movie was great obviously and it left both of them in tears by the end. It left bitter taste by the end because Jaehyun thought something could happen between him and the older but nope, he was too focus.

...

They were in a restaurant near the cinema and were having a lunch there. They talked for like an hour so about the movie, about themselves and Jaehyun, also told Doyoung about his annoying friends. 

“Oh, I know Johnny and Taeyong.” Doyoung excitedly said. “We have the same class before.” he then giggled when he suddenly remembered something funny. “I remember that Taeyong always panics when class about to start. I don’t know why.”

Jaehyun sighed in embarrassment over Taeyong. He then chuckled as he said, “Taeyong hyung always panic for no reason,” he shook his head, pitying the older. “It’s his nature.”

Doyoung giggled. “Is that so?” he then took a sip of orange juice and said, “No wonder Johnny always ignore him.”

“We all used to this,” Jaehyun pretended to be sad as he nodded before both of them laughed because it was funny.

Doyoung wiped his tears because he was laughing too much. Actually, he didn’t know it would be funny but being with Jaehyun just made him happy. “You guys all good friends. I wish I would have that kind of friendship.” 

“You can be friends with us.” _and me_. Jaehyun awkwardly played with his watermelon juice glass and said, “I can introduce you to them. Pretty sure they gladly to meet you.”

Doyoung blinked his eyes and then he smiled. “Yeah, that would nice.” he softly said. Just then, foods that they ordered arrived and the topic changed to something else.

...

“So Jaehyun, where do you want to go now?” Doyoung asked, turned to look at Jaehyun who stood right beside him. Both of them stood right in front of the restaurant after finished their lunch. 

“Are you asking me?”

Doyoung laughed, “yeah.” because he was obviously asking the other. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only I’m having a date with today and now.”

“I mean, don’t you have anywhere to go?” Jaehyun instead of replying, he asked. “You did ask me out.”

Doyoung nodded his head. “I did.” he grinned. “We had the movie in the morning and now it’s your turn. If there somewhere you wanna go, I would love to go too.”

“Oh,” Jaehyun smiled as he realized it. He thought about it. _Where should we go? Where should we go? Where should we go?_ “Bookstore?” he spurted unknowingly. 

“Bookstore?”

Jaehyun’s heart beat really fast, nervously as he watched the older reaction. He was lame and he admitted that. Why would they go to a bookstore for a date, right? Right?

“Okay,” Doyoung nodded his head and snapped his fingers. “Let’s go!” he said excitingly. 

Jaehyun, again, did not expect that. “Y-you don’t mind?”

“Huh, why should I?”

“Bookstore,” Jaehyun somehow didn’t feel confident. His head lowered and looked down at the street floor. “Lame,” he mumbled. 

But Doyoung heard it or he can lip read it at least to know what Jaehyun was talking. He shook his head and carefully grabbed Jaehyun’s free hand. “Jaehyun, bookstore date is not lame,” he said softly as he tried to peek at Jaehyun’s face who was hiding his face. 

Jaehyun thinks he was going die now. There was an unfamiliar touch on his skin. He looked at his hand and gasped mentally as he saw Doyoung’s hand grabbing his. His heart was beating in not so normal pace now and his ears probably bright red now. And it didn’t help when Doyoung’s face move closer toward him and uttered those sweet words which Doyoung honestly just tried to comfort him. And the result was the opposite. He was not calm. It was driving him crazy. “Th-thank you.” he looked up everywhere that was not Doyoung. 

“Jaehyun?”

“Y-yeah?” Jaehyun then turned toward Doyoung because he didn’t want to be rude. He can't really do that. He didn't want to be rude. They were still holding hands and his heart still hadn’t calmed down yet. However, he tried hard to make not so obvious on his face - that he was not okay.

Doyoung gave a firm look - more like emotionless. “Jaehyun, you’re not lame either.”

“You don’t know me.” Jaehyun responded.

“But I have spent time with you and I already know you’re not lame,” Doyoung said. “Maybe a little awkward but we haven’t hung out that much so it’s fine,” he added. “You’re a wonderful person,” he said, smiling. 

Oh boy. Jaehyun felt like his heart melt. Listened to the praise he got from his crush made him felt butterflies in his stomach. _No, you’re the one that is wonderful_. But Jaehyun was a little coward to say that out loud. 

“Let’s go, I think there’s a nice bookstore there,” Doyoung said, dragged Jaehyun to the left - Jaehyun just followed it anyway. 

They still holding hands and Jaehyun already dead inside.

...

When they entered the nearest bookstore, it was warm. Its early autumn but the weather can be a little chilly. Jaehyun was a little sad because the moment they entered the store, Doyoung let go of their hand. Honestly, he just wanted to hold it more but he was afraid to ask. 

“This place is cool,” Doyoung exclaimed as he looked around the store. It wasn’t like a normal store where everything was so fancy. The store was quite small and there was a hint of oldness and retro. The bookshelves were quite close to each other and it was as if there was only one person can pass through it. It looked like the shop where Harry Potter buys his own wand in the first movie. Doyoung walked further inside and while Jaehyun followed behind. The oldness kicked in as they went further. He can smell it. He loved the smell of it. “Do you like books, Jaehyun?” Doyoung asked as he stopped, eyes looking at the numbers of books that were being carefully arranged. _This is a very old bookstore_. He smiled.

Jaehyun nodded his head although Doyoung probably didn’t see that. “I like reading,” he softly said. They stood side by side, facing the one side of bookshelves. Carefully, he made his hand way toward the books and felt it. He really liked the feel of a book. It was super nice. 

Doyoung wasn’t so sure but he felt like they were the only customer. The store sounded so quiet but it was a very nice kind of quiet. He liked the feeling and that maybe a bookstore date was a great idea. He sure didn’t think it was lame but he never thought it was good either. Or just maybe this bookstore was an exception. “I don’t fancy reading but it’s not that I hate it either,” he told.

Jaehyun chuckled. “Well, not many likes to read,” he stated, looked at one book that already on his hand. 

“Someone gave me a book as a present before. I try to read it but fail.” Doyoung pouted as he remembered his failed attempt to read. 

Jaehyun put back the book he took it and faced the older. He chuckled as he saw the older was pouting. It was cute in his eyes. _So cute_. “Book is not for everyone, I guess,” he said, stood to face the older. 

Doyoung crossed his arms as he also faced the younger. He raised his eyebrow. “Oh ho, are you being proud right now?” he snickered as he heard what Jaehyun was saying. _Did he just insult me?_

Jaehyun moved closer toward the older. “So what if I am?” He was getting bold. This was rare.

Doyoung blinked his eyes. They were too close and it left him breathless because he can see Jaehyun’s face much closer. Jaehyun looked so pretty and _handsome_ up close. Honestly the visual was unfair. “Where did you get the sudden confidence?” he casually asked. 

Jaehyun shrugged. “I don’t know maybe because of the books?” he smirked.

 _He did not just fucking smirking at me!_ Doyoung mentally shouted. “O-oh, I see.” he nodded his head, honestly surprised. This Jaehyun was full of hotness, and why out of sudden?

Jaehyun felt like he was being possessed. Suddenly he felt so brave and he wanted to flirt. Yes, that’s the word - flirt. He took one more step closer toward the older and now, they were really close. Because the store was quiet, he can hear his heart beating and another one beating in his rhythm. It was Doyoung, it was definitely Doyoung’s. 

Doyoung wouldn’t lie, he felt blood rushed to his face as he stared at Jaehyun’s intense eyes. They were staring and neither of them talks. As cliché as it was, he felt like the time stop for both of them. 

There was a heat of the moment. They were so close, too close to each other. Their faces were so close that Jaehyun can vividly saw Doyoung’s eyelashes. It was the prettiest eyelashes he ever saw - well, actually Doyoung was the only person he did ever saw though. 

As they both stared intensely to each other eyes, Jaehyun was so sure that maybe this was the cue for him to make a move. That he should kiss the older. Jaehyun was ready to make the first move when suddenly Doyoung broke their eyes contact and made space between them as he said, “D-do you want to buy any book?”

Jaehyun blinked and cleared his throat. He awkward stood as he also made a space between them. Failed attempt. “No, I don’t,” he shook his head.

Doyoung made a smile. “Let’s go somewhere else now.”

“S-sure,” Jaehyun nodded his head.

...

Jaehyun’s fail attempt to kiss the older made them slightly turned a little awkward. They were walking side by side but they hardly made a decent conversation. Regret build-up inside of him and he blamed himself for his sudden attempt. But it also crosses his mind. Jaehyun likes Doyoung to which he agreed on this date. Obviously, he couldn’t help himself when he was near Doyoung. He wanted to touch, hold, and yes, _kiss_. However, it confused him. Why Doyoung suddenly want to date him? He knew it just one date but still, why? He thought Doyoung might also like him and with all the skinship they had, he thought it was obvious. But Doyoung pushed him aside or so thst was he thought at least. Jaehyun did not understand. 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung softly whispered as he grabbed Jaehyun’s shirt. 

A smile in Doyoung’s face soften Jaehyun’s mess up mind. “Yeah?”

Doyoung pointed at one place. “Let’s sit there and watch the sunset.”

Jaehyun gave a smile. “Would love to do so,” he really should just enjoy their date, right? _Is this really enough for me?_

...

The sun was almost down. There some people had still jogged and some were walking with their dogs. There were also kids that played skateboards or hoverboards. People with bicycles also passed through. Jaehyun and Doyoung just sat right next to each other on a bench, watching as the sun set down. This time, the awkwardness somehow disappeared naturally. Jaehyun was relieved by that. He chose to just enjoy till the end. 

“It is a nice date, Jaehyun,” Doyoung said, killed the silence between them. “Thank you,” his sweet voice said. 

Jaehyun smiled, showed his dimples. “I have a great time too.” He was indeed happy.

“I’m glad you have a good time,” Doyoung said, swinging his feet. “It’s my selfish request.”

“No, it’s not.”

Doyoung chuckled as Jaehyun tried to denied. “You’re kind Jaehyun,” he said. “But let’s be honest. This date is my selfish request.”

 _Am I also selfish then? I want to have this date too_. Jaehyun just nodded his head, didn’t want to argue anymore. Because arguing seemed to be impossible when it comes to Doyoung. “Then, can I have a selfish request too?”

“Oh, what is it?”

“I want another date.”

Doyoung was surprised as it was sudden but he also knew, deep inside him, Jaehyun would say that. Calming himself up, he gave the brightest smile he can make. “If fate allows us, then why not?”

The way Doyoung answered was iffy. What Jaehyun want to know was either yes or no, but what Doyoung gave him neither and it left him in mystery. But Jaehyun also knew, maybe he should take it slow. He can ask again maybe. They have a lot of _time_.

...

Both went to separate ways after that. The date was over, but Jaehyun though still tried to stay in contact with the older. Doyoung replied once in a while though sadly, but Jaehyun was being patient. They didn’t meet at their faculty either so Jaehyun assumed the older was busy because he too was also busy. However, it broke his heart that one day, Jaehyun received a cruel news.

It had been 3 days ever since the date. Jaehyun was in his social room alone, doing his assignments. He muted his phone hence he didn’t notice his phone was buzzing full of notifications. He was in fully concentration mode.

BANG

The door opened, slammed by Ten who was seemed to be out of breathing. Jaehyun assumed that the other was running because of it.

Jaehyun raised his eyebrow, tilted his head at the door. “What are you doing, Ten hyung?” he said, annoyed because someone just disturbed him. “That’s scared the shit out of me!”

“Jaehyun,” Ten walked closer, grasping some air as he tried to talk. He really ran as fast as he could since Jaehyun didn’t answer his phone. “Why aren’t you pick up your phone?”

“I put it on mute?”

Ten sighed in frustrated but he then calmed himself down. “Listen, Jaehyun. I have something to tell you and it is not a good news.”

“Okay, what is it?” Jaehyun now focused fully on his friend. He put down his pen and closed his book. “You’re scaring me, Ten hyung,” he said as he watched Ten’s serious face. _What's going on?_

“We receive a news,” Ten gulped because he felt nervous. He didn’t think he would tell this on a person. “Doyoung,”

“Doyoung?”

“Doyoung just _died_ this morning.”

 _He- what?_ Jaehyun’s eyes were shaken and his lip was trembling. “Lie,” he said out of shock. His heart was beating slow and then it picked up the pace, it was beating hella crazy. He felt sudden coldness.

“It’s not a lie, Jaehyun. I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun’s heart felt like it was being squeezed hard like he suddenly felt out of breathing. _No, it can’t be!_ “You’re lying,” he said, pleaded the older to tell him that what he just heard was a lie. He looked up at Ten who was standing in front of him with glossy eyes. 

“Jae-”

“I just talk to him yesterday, it can’t be!”

Ten knew how much Jaehyun likes Doyoung and he heard all about their date ever since. He knew how Jaehyun tried to make Doyoung as his official lover. He knew Jaehyun was serious with it. Hence he also knew, that Jaehyun was now in a heartbreak. “I hear it's his funeral tomorrow. You should go, Jaehyun.” 

Jaehyun cried his eyes out. The word funeral just hit him into the reality that Kim Doyoung had really gone. _I- god why?_


	3. the letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyoung wrote a letter for Jaehyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be lousy. I'm sorry.

Jaehyun dressed all black. He took a very deep breath before he entered the mortuary section of the hospital. There he saw a photo of Doyoung right in the middle of flowers. Doyoung looked so beautiful that it was so unfair. As he entered closely with a heavy step, he saw Doyoung’s family members at the side and he bowed politely. They were silently mourning.

Jaehyun took another breathe and faced the photo of the most beautiful person he ever saw. It took him all of his strength not to break down and just bowed, giving respect and a final goodbye. His eyes, however, betray him when he let down a stream full of tears. It was still hard to believe even though he saw right in front of him.

...

Jaehyun thought since he had nothing else to do, he chose to just go back home. It not like he knew anyone there. He chuckled bitterly. He only knew Doyoung for one day. Sad thoughts crossed his mind again, he thought he should go back now. If he wanted to cry, he might as well cry his heart out back at his own home.

“Hello.”

Jaehyun looked up and saw a guy in front of him - probably younger than him. He looked to his left and right but saw no one else. He pointed his finger at himself and said, “Me?”

The younger guy nodded his head and gave a small smile - it looked obviously sad. “You’re Jung Jaehyun, am I right?”

Jaehyun nodded his head. “Yes, and who are you?” _This guy knows me?_

“I’m Doyoung’s cousin. Doyoung always talks about you so I kinda know you,” The younger guy explained. “Oh, my name is Lee Donghyuck.”

 _Doyoung talk about me_? Jaehyun felt a little happy hearing that. Upon sadness, there was a little happiness bloom inside him. Jaehyun. ever since Doyoung's death, he thought that he was nothing toward the older. It felt nice knowing that he was something in Doyoung's life. “I-I didn’t know that,” he stuttered a little, shock. 

There were little minutes of silence, Donghyuck saw Jaehyun seemed to be collecting his self so he just stayed silent. He respected the older as he thinks there were probably a lot of unsolved questions lurking around the older. 

“Donghyuck, can I,” Jaehyun bit his lip. It was hard for him to say. But he noticed the younger didn’t pressure him which he was so thankful of. “-know how did Doyoung hyung die?” he felt the word stabbed into his heart. It was such a tough word. He still had a hard time believing even though he was now stood at Doyoung’s funeral. “I-I kinda heard he had cancer?”

Donghyuck gave a small smile as he nodded. “He did,” he closed his eyes as he remembered the event happened yesterday. It was still clear in his mind. He witnessed his hyung’s death and it was sorrowful. He can’t believe his hyung was gone for good. “He was fine actually but he suddenly suffered hemoperitoneum,” and Donghyuck kindly explained what he knew about those medical kinds of stuff. Hemoperitoneum - an accumulation of blood between internal organs that required surgery. “But hyung’s vital fail before he can get into surgery,” he added. The sadness fills inside him and he teared up as he said, “Hyung dies right in the emergency room bed.”

“I-it was sudden,” Jaehyun took time to process everything. 

Donghyuck gave a weak smile and just let his tears flow. He knew the older didn't mind seeing him crying. Everyone was mourning. He was too mourning of his most favorite hyung. “It's so sudden indeed but we are all expecting it,” he frowned, tried to not burst out crying even harder. “Hyung’s condition isn’t good these days.”

 _Expecting_? Jaehyun closed his eyes. _Does that mean, Doyoung already knew he gonna die soon when he asked him for a date_? 

Donghyuck snapped from his thought and wiped his tears. “Before I forgot,” he clumsily took out something from his beg. “here,” he gave the older a letter. “Doyoung hyung ask me to give it to you,” he watched Jaehyun carefully took the letter. He then bowed and said, “Goodbye and thank you for coming,” he walked off inside.

Jaehyun stared at the letter that was in his hands. The letter envelop had his name written with black ink. His emotions were all mixed inside him and he didn’t know if he could open the letter to read it. He was so scared to read.

He needed a lot of time before he could read it. 

...

It had been five days since, and Jaehyun tried to live like normal but it was without no doubt hard. He had been depressing ever since. He knew he didn’t have any right to be like this because Doyoung and he isn’t really attached. But losing someone was rather painful. He was just starting to build up his love from a simple crush and now its collapsed. It took time for him to accept everything and it wasn’t just only this.

Doyoung was gone for good and he had to accept that cruel truth.

...

Exactly one week later, Jaehyun sat on his bed with the letter in his hand. The weather was nice and he didn’t have any class - it was the weekend. Jaehyun thought maybe it was the time to read what Doyoung wrote to him. He was curious obviously, however, he can’t help but feel scared. 

Carefully, opened the envelop, Jaehyun took out a light green paper neatly folded. He opened the folded paper and it viewed a neat handwritten full of words. Jaehyun was nervous, and he felt shaken. Quickly, his eyes shift to the first part of the letter and read it. 

    To: Jung Jaehyun  
Hello there? How are you? Let me guess, it’s not good, huh? 

Jaehyun bitterly chuckled, wiped some little tears building in his eyes. _You guess it right, hyung_. He took a deep breath and then continued on reading the letter.

    
     To: Jung Jaehyun  
Hello there? How are you? Let me guess, it’s not good, huh?  
Honestly, I didn’t think I would write a letter for you but I keep on thinking, if I suddenly died, how about you? I don’t want to left you hanging so I wrote. It might be cliché and cringe but please bear with me. You like reading, right? Please read my letter, Jaehyun.  
I guess, like any other cliche letters, like really by the time you get this letter, it means that I’m finally dead. Funny, right? But it’s the truth. I really can’t believe I will write this kind of lines. :)

    Jaehyun, I been diagnosed with cancer and roughly it been eight months so since I been fighting with this disease. It was a bit hard at first, and there were many times I’m fighting with myself in order to accept this. That this is my fate. That, my end is near.  
My family has been very supportive and patient with me. Chemo is hard and I really try everything they ask me so my chance to survive increase. But I feel like my time is running out. Honestly, I already gave up on this point, inside. I chose to just enjoy my time left. This is the part when I think about you.  
You see, my annoying cousin has been bragging about his relationship and I was fucking jealous. I never date before and I’m already at the stage of dying. Life is unfair, I think that. This makes me remembered you because Jaehyun, I like you. 

    Remembered the MT we talked about? That MT where we first talk, I actually took interest in you. Yes, Jaehyun. I like you ever since then. Love at first sight maybe. Ever since then, I try to talk to you but my coward self-didn’t manage to do so. I have been trying to confess to you ever since but when I suddenly got diagnosed with cancer, my world turns dark. I felt like there was no future and I gave up. I have been watching you from far and I really thought it was enough but I guess I was wrong. I felt that maybe just once, just once, I want to be selfish. I suddenly have the courage to ask you out for just one date. What could have wrong, I thought. Jaehyun, everything is wrong. This is the best and also the worst decision I had ever done. I feel wrongful to you. I am being unfair. Jaehyun, I’m sorry.

    Asking you a date when I know I might die soon. I lead you to some kind of happy future and it isn’t nice of me to do that. Remembered back at the cinema, our date? You say we should hang out more often. Jaehyun, I was devastated back then. I regret my decision then. I realize I couldn’t promise you that and it hurt so much. 

    Jaehyun, remembered back at the bookstore? I know you’re gonna kiss me. I know that and I’m sorry I pushed you away. I push you away not because I hate you, no. It’s because I can’t do it, the kiss. I’m really afraid I might break down there because I know how much you want it and how much I want it. Can I take this as you like me too? Can I pretend you like me too, Jaehyun? 

    I can tell Jaehyun, the moment we kiss, I might yearn for you more which is not a good sign. So, I back out. I’m sorry, 

    Jaehyun, I will say this many many times, thank you so much for spending your time with me and I have lots of fun. I get to know you a little which is more than enough. I wish I could know you more but maybe it’s not our fate in this universe.  
Jaehyun, you’re a wonderful person and please don’t blame yourself on whatever regrets you may have about me. It’s my fault. :)  
I wish you so much happiness and please have a wonderful life because I know you will have the brightest future ahead. 

    Jaehyun, I love you, I love, I love you, I love you, I love you and I’m sorry for the hurt that I have caused.  
From, Kim Doyoung.

 

Tears were streaming down his cheeks. Jaehyun was crying silently as he read the letter. There were so many things he knew from the letter and what Doyoung had written to him. He learned a lot of stuff. Doyoung was right, he had a lot of regrets. 

Jaehyun didn’t manage to confess - to say that yes, he also like the older.

Jaehyun didn’t get to spend time with the older - to get know Doyoung better.

Jaehyun didn’t get to kiss Doyoung. Now, he was really yearned for it.

Jaehyun didn’t manage to hear Doyoung says _I love you_ in person.

Jaehyun folded the letter back into the envelope, ignoring his salty tears. He stood up and walked to his desk. He opened the drawer of his study desk and put it inside. He stared at it for a minute so before he closed his eyes and prayed. _I hope you’re well where ever you are, hyung._

Opened back his eyes, Jaehyun closed the drawer and walked out from his room. He needed his friends to calm himself and he knew his friends are willing to pamper him.

Jaehyun knew it gonna be hard but he had to accept everything. It gonna took him lots of time but he promised to work things out. There were lots of regrets for sure but reading Doyoung’s letter also opened his eyes and his minds. There were some things that aren’t meant to be. Jaehyun will sure be treasured his time a little more precious from now on. Next time, he will do extra hard because he did not want to lose another person just like he lost Doyoung. 

_Thank you for the memories, Doyoung hyung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE END.  
>  
> 
> I think I mess up somewhere............... grammars are out of place, gah!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> So?
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/writethedust)


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